So the first of the most difficult holidays of the year has come and gone. I made it through despite it all being so very different. There was no motivation to decorate or even celebrate but I figured it would be that way. The mass number of family that would visit was cut down to two. No playing the games or big socializing activities. We all kind of kept to ourselves. It's hard but I am ready for this year to end. Next year looks as though it will hold lots of promise so I am looking forward to that. I have a job that is going to be a blast and I plan to finish that last year of school I have to complete my degree. I can say I am actually looking forward to the new year just because this year has been so tiring and I don't think I can really tolerate myself being down anymore. Once that clock strikes midnight I plan to start it like a real new year, no more moping around. Hopefully I'll even get back to this more and all the other things I truly love. I even have some plans to get into some new things too :)
Enough with the sad stuff...time to play in the snow
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Morning Fog
I love this picture and am still impressed by the fact I took it with my iPhone and not my good camera. It was a surreal scene that day and for how quite the fog made everything I had to stop and just stare for awhile. This tree is going to become a subject of many pictures (it already has actually). It sits in the middle of an open area surrounded by cranberry bogs. I'll have a picture through every season soon. :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Road to Recovery
So it’s been 10 months…10 long months and it took me until now along with a woman who said I was not fit to do my job and a boss who was willing to let me cry and hear me out for 2 1/2 hrs in her office to figure things out.
I’ve been keeping everything inside and not letting myself take the time to deal with what pain and anger I have been feeling. It’s been consuming me to the point where all I can think or feel is on the negative side. Things that used to bring me pleasure seem to have lost their interest. I’ve taken things and people for granted. I’ve said things I didn’t mean or know better than to say. I could and have offered apologies but they only go so far and don’t change the fact that it was still said or done. All I can hope for is that the situation was understood and I can be forgiven.
Why I am here in this state has a couple of reasons. Everyone deals with death in their own way and this time around for me it’s be rough and a struggle. The funny part is that it’s not the actual loss itself. Part of it is the anger I feel at myself for feeling a bit of relief at my grandmother’s passing. Not just for her being free from the pain but that I too didn’t have to bear it anymore. Years of watching someone grow old and being there to help them up every time they fell late at night, helping them get to the bathroom and cleaning it up if you didn’t quite make it in time, helping them get up just to have them pass out in your arms, countless near death experiences. These things all add up over time and pushing them aside each time does not help. The worst was last year having to call relatives so she could say good bye. Holding her hand and listening to what she had to say was heartbreaking in itself. Thinking it was all over I prepared for the worst and then she recovered days later. That is another source of anger and frustration. It felt like someone cried wolf and there was nothing there. The thought that I gave up such a long span of my own life to do that makes me question myself.
Looking at it here, written down, it seems so selfish of me to be feeling that way. I’ve always stood by doing for others what I would want to be done for me. It seems I have truly lost myself somewhere in all the mess and frustrations.
I think it is time for me to put all this in the past. I know this is all self serving writing this out but I feel it is something that will help me with my recovery. I’m putting it out there so it is not just in me hidden away from the world. It is time to get back to enjoying life for what it is and taking pleasure in the fact that I have it to live. First step is to get rid of all the negativity, appreciate what I have and hopefully mend what I can. No regrets only lessons learned.
For anyone who has chosen to read this…I don’t want any sympathy for what has happened. I am hoping that this is the last time I fully have to deal with this. My goal is to have written this to let it go and move on. Life has too much to offer for me to linger any longer and I think in the end my grandmother would be kicking my ass if she knew.
I’ve been keeping everything inside and not letting myself take the time to deal with what pain and anger I have been feeling. It’s been consuming me to the point where all I can think or feel is on the negative side. Things that used to bring me pleasure seem to have lost their interest. I’ve taken things and people for granted. I’ve said things I didn’t mean or know better than to say. I could and have offered apologies but they only go so far and don’t change the fact that it was still said or done. All I can hope for is that the situation was understood and I can be forgiven.
Why I am here in this state has a couple of reasons. Everyone deals with death in their own way and this time around for me it’s be rough and a struggle. The funny part is that it’s not the actual loss itself. Part of it is the anger I feel at myself for feeling a bit of relief at my grandmother’s passing. Not just for her being free from the pain but that I too didn’t have to bear it anymore. Years of watching someone grow old and being there to help them up every time they fell late at night, helping them get to the bathroom and cleaning it up if you didn’t quite make it in time, helping them get up just to have them pass out in your arms, countless near death experiences. These things all add up over time and pushing them aside each time does not help. The worst was last year having to call relatives so she could say good bye. Holding her hand and listening to what she had to say was heartbreaking in itself. Thinking it was all over I prepared for the worst and then she recovered days later. That is another source of anger and frustration. It felt like someone cried wolf and there was nothing there. The thought that I gave up such a long span of my own life to do that makes me question myself.
Looking at it here, written down, it seems so selfish of me to be feeling that way. I’ve always stood by doing for others what I would want to be done for me. It seems I have truly lost myself somewhere in all the mess and frustrations.
I think it is time for me to put all this in the past. I know this is all self serving writing this out but I feel it is something that will help me with my recovery. I’m putting it out there so it is not just in me hidden away from the world. It is time to get back to enjoying life for what it is and taking pleasure in the fact that I have it to live. First step is to get rid of all the negativity, appreciate what I have and hopefully mend what I can. No regrets only lessons learned.
For anyone who has chosen to read this…I don’t want any sympathy for what has happened. I am hoping that this is the last time I fully have to deal with this. My goal is to have written this to let it go and move on. Life has too much to offer for me to linger any longer and I think in the end my grandmother would be kicking my ass if she knew.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
first snake of the year
I was out in the woods today with the ecology club that I run. One of them happened to stumble across this little guy. The first snake I've seen so far this year.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Eagle Dance
While I was at work today a visitor shared with me a story that I thought would be interesting to share.
A woman came to visit roughly two years ago. At that time she was undergoing treatment for cancer. Her situation and the future were very unclear to her at the time. She shared with me that she is part Native American and she had wanted to see the residential bald eagles we have. The eagles both have injuries preventing them from being able to fly. The woman said to me she sat watching them for awhile. As she sat there the older of the two with a broken wing came closer to her. They stared at one another for awhile. The eagle then spread his wings and showed her the injury he had sustained leaving him unable to fully open one of his wings. He then proceeded to "dance" in front of her. She said he watched and it was as if she wanted her to dance with him. She said it was like he was telling her that despite his injury he could still dance and that she should do the same. They danced together for awhile. The woman left feeling she had the strength to continue fighting her cancer.
Today she returned cancer free and eager to see the eagle who gave her the strength to carry on. She told me this story with tears in her eyes since it had such an impact on her life.
I hope anyone who reads this can have a moment in life where they can connect with nature as this woman did. It doesn't have to be something as strong as this one. Maybe it will just be the song of a bird on a day you are feeling down or the dragonfly landing on your shoulder. As a teacher and a naturalist I would hope people can see the beauty of the world around them and hopefully realize that we are all connected.
A woman came to visit roughly two years ago. At that time she was undergoing treatment for cancer. Her situation and the future were very unclear to her at the time. She shared with me that she is part Native American and she had wanted to see the residential bald eagles we have. The eagles both have injuries preventing them from being able to fly. The woman said to me she sat watching them for awhile. As she sat there the older of the two with a broken wing came closer to her. They stared at one another for awhile. The eagle then spread his wings and showed her the injury he had sustained leaving him unable to fully open one of his wings. He then proceeded to "dance" in front of her. She said he watched and it was as if she wanted her to dance with him. She said it was like he was telling her that despite his injury he could still dance and that she should do the same. They danced together for awhile. The woman left feeling she had the strength to continue fighting her cancer.
Today she returned cancer free and eager to see the eagle who gave her the strength to carry on. She told me this story with tears in her eyes since it had such an impact on her life.
I hope anyone who reads this can have a moment in life where they can connect with nature as this woman did. It doesn't have to be something as strong as this one. Maybe it will just be the song of a bird on a day you are feeling down or the dragonfly landing on your shoulder. As a teacher and a naturalist I would hope people can see the beauty of the world around them and hopefully realize that we are all connected.
Monday, March 15, 2010
name change
I've been wondering if I should change the name. Any search for "nature girl" ends up producing some form of nudity. The naturist way I suppose but I am a naturalist which is slightly different. I'll ponder on it for awhile.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
alternative energies
So one of my non-naturalist jobs involves me teaching school groups in the community about alternative energy as well as getting them interested in the sciences. This picture is the result of a program with some extra time at the end and a little experimentation. They were trying to recreate something that happened at a previous session with a different group. The wires are attached to a small motor that spins a wheel. One group got it so it spun one way when the wires were down and another when you lifted them up. They were not successful...maybe the next group will be.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
snOMG
Yeah it's been snowing a lot and there is more on the way. Makes for some amazing pictures though. Hopefully I'll be able to be more active on here again. Lots of changes with the new year for me.
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