I love this picture and am still impressed by the fact I took it with my iPhone and not my good camera. It was a surreal scene that day and for how quite the fog made everything I had to stop and just stare for awhile. This tree is going to become a subject of many pictures (it already has actually). It sits in the middle of an open area surrounded by cranberry bogs. I'll have a picture through every season soon. :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Road to Recovery
So it’s been 10 months…10 long months and it took me until now along with a woman who said I was not fit to do my job and a boss who was willing to let me cry and hear me out for 2 1/2 hrs in her office to figure things out.
I’ve been keeping everything inside and not letting myself take the time to deal with what pain and anger I have been feeling. It’s been consuming me to the point where all I can think or feel is on the negative side. Things that used to bring me pleasure seem to have lost their interest. I’ve taken things and people for granted. I’ve said things I didn’t mean or know better than to say. I could and have offered apologies but they only go so far and don’t change the fact that it was still said or done. All I can hope for is that the situation was understood and I can be forgiven.
Why I am here in this state has a couple of reasons. Everyone deals with death in their own way and this time around for me it’s be rough and a struggle. The funny part is that it’s not the actual loss itself. Part of it is the anger I feel at myself for feeling a bit of relief at my grandmother’s passing. Not just for her being free from the pain but that I too didn’t have to bear it anymore. Years of watching someone grow old and being there to help them up every time they fell late at night, helping them get to the bathroom and cleaning it up if you didn’t quite make it in time, helping them get up just to have them pass out in your arms, countless near death experiences. These things all add up over time and pushing them aside each time does not help. The worst was last year having to call relatives so she could say good bye. Holding her hand and listening to what she had to say was heartbreaking in itself. Thinking it was all over I prepared for the worst and then she recovered days later. That is another source of anger and frustration. It felt like someone cried wolf and there was nothing there. The thought that I gave up such a long span of my own life to do that makes me question myself.
Looking at it here, written down, it seems so selfish of me to be feeling that way. I’ve always stood by doing for others what I would want to be done for me. It seems I have truly lost myself somewhere in all the mess and frustrations.
I think it is time for me to put all this in the past. I know this is all self serving writing this out but I feel it is something that will help me with my recovery. I’m putting it out there so it is not just in me hidden away from the world. It is time to get back to enjoying life for what it is and taking pleasure in the fact that I have it to live. First step is to get rid of all the negativity, appreciate what I have and hopefully mend what I can. No regrets only lessons learned.
For anyone who has chosen to read this…I don’t want any sympathy for what has happened. I am hoping that this is the last time I fully have to deal with this. My goal is to have written this to let it go and move on. Life has too much to offer for me to linger any longer and I think in the end my grandmother would be kicking my ass if she knew.
I’ve been keeping everything inside and not letting myself take the time to deal with what pain and anger I have been feeling. It’s been consuming me to the point where all I can think or feel is on the negative side. Things that used to bring me pleasure seem to have lost their interest. I’ve taken things and people for granted. I’ve said things I didn’t mean or know better than to say. I could and have offered apologies but they only go so far and don’t change the fact that it was still said or done. All I can hope for is that the situation was understood and I can be forgiven.
Why I am here in this state has a couple of reasons. Everyone deals with death in their own way and this time around for me it’s be rough and a struggle. The funny part is that it’s not the actual loss itself. Part of it is the anger I feel at myself for feeling a bit of relief at my grandmother’s passing. Not just for her being free from the pain but that I too didn’t have to bear it anymore. Years of watching someone grow old and being there to help them up every time they fell late at night, helping them get to the bathroom and cleaning it up if you didn’t quite make it in time, helping them get up just to have them pass out in your arms, countless near death experiences. These things all add up over time and pushing them aside each time does not help. The worst was last year having to call relatives so she could say good bye. Holding her hand and listening to what she had to say was heartbreaking in itself. Thinking it was all over I prepared for the worst and then she recovered days later. That is another source of anger and frustration. It felt like someone cried wolf and there was nothing there. The thought that I gave up such a long span of my own life to do that makes me question myself.
Looking at it here, written down, it seems so selfish of me to be feeling that way. I’ve always stood by doing for others what I would want to be done for me. It seems I have truly lost myself somewhere in all the mess and frustrations.
I think it is time for me to put all this in the past. I know this is all self serving writing this out but I feel it is something that will help me with my recovery. I’m putting it out there so it is not just in me hidden away from the world. It is time to get back to enjoying life for what it is and taking pleasure in the fact that I have it to live. First step is to get rid of all the negativity, appreciate what I have and hopefully mend what I can. No regrets only lessons learned.
For anyone who has chosen to read this…I don’t want any sympathy for what has happened. I am hoping that this is the last time I fully have to deal with this. My goal is to have written this to let it go and move on. Life has too much to offer for me to linger any longer and I think in the end my grandmother would be kicking my ass if she knew.
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